Scars and Appearance

I was thinking of cancer today which is not that unusual anymore.  I was actually reading a book that spoke about the changes that happen to our outsides, our physical appearance.  Besides the most obvious, hair loss, it was talking about scars.  My first cancer gave me the old-school Broviac catheter scar, the scar on my back/shoulder; the radiation burns, and then they thought the cancer spread to my lungs so there was another big scar.  By the time I was done with that cancer at 15, I had many scars and spent years ashamed of my body. 

Then, the second cancer came and along with it came a new catheter scar, a mastectomy scar and reconstruction surgery scars.  I was thinking, damn, yes I may have bigger boobs (trying to see the positive), but I am covered in scars!  I really didn’t know what to think of myself.  I looked okay in clothes but underneath was a lot of scars, and I felt insecure and hated my body for years. This affected me for a long time.

So what do we do with these sometimes not-so-subtle reminders of the wars we fought?  Some of us are lucky not to have the outside physical scars, but may instead carry the just as painful internal scars; many of us carry both.  The outside scars will always be with me; believe me I have checked with several plastic surgeons.  I have gone to many lengths to do away with my scars, I have kept them well covered, I have gone to the tattoo parlor to ask if they can be covered (the answer is no) and I have tried other creative ways to get rid of and/or hide them.  Unfortunately, there is no permanent remedy for their removal.  Therefore, the solution had to be to accept them; easier said than done.

I wish I could explain the exact moment that my self-image changed.  Not sure if it was a retreat I went to, the anti-depressant that I finally tried, or just age, but somewhere along the line I learned to accept them as a necessary part of me.  I cannot honestly say that I love the scars, but I can now see them as little miracles, each one necessary for the miracle of the life I have today.

So, now, I think differently about my self-image and the scars.  At the last retreat I went to I was one of many.  We all had the catheter scar just under our clavicle bones.  I was part of a tribe!  In addition, although I had always been girly on the inside I tended to be more of a tomboy on the outside, wearing baggy clothes and rarely in a dress.  Through my cancer experiences I have tapped into my femininity.  In the summer I am rarely found in anything but hippie skirts, flip-flops, toe-nail polish, girly, rhinestone shirts and in my new favorite color pink.  Pink!  I hated pink all my life!  All the sudden, I wish I could paint my whole house pink!  It is the color that makes me feel the best.  I also have grown my hair long.  It is the longest it has ever been and I love it.  In addition, I chose to add a few of my own scars to my body – tattoos of my choosing.  I intend to add a couple more very girly ones.  And oddly enough through the most recent cancer I found I love to dance!  I was always too self-conscious to do much of either. 

So yes, many of us carry our battle wounds but they do not need to define us.  Today I carry them proudly and no longer need to hide who I am.  This has helped me tap into a more authentic me.  I am happier and way more secure.  Somewhere along this path I turned more girly than ever, scars and all!  I love being a cancer survivor and being a girl J